Honey, I'm Home!

I apologize for disappearing, guys! I moved to a new town and started a new job, and it's been a little crazy. Do not fear, I will still give you the crazy-ass story that I promised you. Things are settling down here, so I will be posting regularly again from here on out. Cheerio!

-- Justin --

It's Official!

Received my 10,000th page view sometime last night! Thank you so much to everyone who has read my words. :)

-- Justin

10K Views Contest: Final Outline!

WHERE?

Anonymous said...

The Sky Bridge of the Petronas Towers, in Dubai

WHO?

PeaceOn said...

Jacquizz Rodgers (Football Player) and a Beanie Baby.

WHAT?

That's So Raven said...

fighting communist scum

WHY?

Anonymous said...

because they had a vision

WHEN?

Anonymous said...

The day Sarah Palin is elected president.

THANKS FOR ALL THE CONTRIBUTIONS!!! THE STORY WILL BE UP IN A FEW DAYS. :)

-- Justin

Contest Post #5: When?

WHERE?

Anonymous said...

The Sky Bridge of the Petronas Towers, in Dubai

WHO?

PeaceOn said...

Jacquizz Rodgers (Football Player) and a Beanie Baby.

WHAT?

That's So Raven said...

fighting communist scum

WHY?

Anonymous said...

because they had a vision

WHEN? 10/12

Last question!!! :)

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?

Leave your creative responses below! :)

Contest Post #4: Why?

WHERE?

Anonymous said...

The Sky Bridge of the Petronas Towers, in Dubai

WHO?

PeaceOn said...

Jacquizz Rodgers (Football Player) and a Beanie Baby.

WHAT?

That's So Raven said...

fighting communist scum

WHY? 10/11
WHEN? 10/12

Looking good, guys! Thanks for all your suggestions, they've been hilarious.

Next up? Simple question...

WHY ARE JACQUIZZ RODGERS AND A BEANIE BABY FIGHTING COMMUNIST SCUM???

Leave your creative and clean responses in the comment section below!

Contest Post #3: What?

WHERE?

Anonymous said...

The Sky Bridge of the Petronas Towers, in Dubai

WHO?

PeaceOn said...

Jacquizz Rodgers (Football Player) and a Beanie Baby.

WHAT? 10/10
WHY? 10/11
WHEN? 10/12

Thanks for all the participation so far you guys! This looks like an interesting story so far, haha.

Question: WHAT IS GOING ON? (MAJOR STORY CONFLICT?)

Leave your creative and clean responses below!!!

Contest Post #2: Who?

10/7 - 10/8 WHERE?

Anonymous said...

The Sky Bridge of the Petronas Towers, in Dubai

10/8 - 10/9 WHO?
10/9 - 10/10 WHAT?
10/10 - 10/11 WHY?
10/11 - 10/12 WHEN?

Now...

WHO SHOULD BE IN THE STORY?

This is pretty open-ended, so be creative. Leave your suggestions in the comment section below!!! Thank you!

Contest Post #1: Where?

"WHERE SHOULD THE STORY TAKE PLACE?"

Please please please leave a comment below! Keep the answers clean and simple. Thanks!

10K? No Way!

So as of 12:00 PM CST, I have received 9,304 page views on this site. Which makes me happy and also excited, because that's close to TEN THOUSAND PAGE VIEWS!!!

As a thank-you to all you kind people who have given Justin Says Words a chance, I'm going to be holding a little contest this next week.

The rules are pretty simple. Each day, for the next five days, I will be putting up a post pleading you to comment on it. The first post, which I will put up tonight, will be asking a simple question: "Where?".

Keep answers simple and clean. For example, a good answer to "Where?" would be a place like "New Orleans" or "The Planet of Vulcan in the new Star Trek movie before the whole thing gets sucked into a black hole."

Here's the schedule:

10/7 - 10/8 WHERE?
10/8 - 10/9 WHO?
10/9 - 10/10 WHAT?
10/10 - 10/11 WHY?
10/11 - 10/12 WHEN?

I will pick my favorite answer from the comments section on each post. And using that information alone, I will write a short story and post it on my blog.

Sound like fun? It does to me! But remember, this will NOT work if you don't comment on the posts! So comment, fools! :)

Lyrical Found Poem!

A lyrical found poem is just what it sounds like--making a poem using a compliation of lyrics from various songs and artists. I've taken a bit of liberty with this one because I used 7 different songs and the tenses had to be altered a tiny bit so it made sense. Enjoy!

A Far More Serious Found Poem Than I Anticipated
by Justin Rose

(1) Come inside, pick your bags off the sidewalk
(2) I know a place where the grass is really greener.
(3) A concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
(4) Oh I can't believe what I'm seeing with my eyes,
(5) I can't tell you what it really is, only what it feels like.
(6) See, in this kinda joint, you gotta dedicate to someone.
(7) But it was then I hear my intuition say,
(8) "We all are basically alone."

(9) How was I supposed to know that something wasn't right here?
(10) Tell me doctor, can you quantify?
(11) I just want to know the reason why.
(12) Boy, you got me blinded.
(13) It's like there's nothing you can't do.
(14) Still these streets will make you feel brand new.
(15) And we fall back into the same routine,
(16) With our sidelines blind with casualities.

(17) We're unforgettable. We're undeniable.
(18) But don't bite the apple, Eve.
(19) High from my love and drunk from your hate,
(20) You can have my heart,
(21) Or just share it like the last slice of pizza.
(22) You'll have me suicidal when you say it's over.
(23) There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
(24) That's not the way I planned it.

(25) That was yesterday, yesterday is over.
(26) My loneliness is killing me.
(27) But I still fight as long as the wrong feels right.
(28) You just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
(29) In this nature show that rages everyday,
(30) There won't be a next time.
(31) And since I made it here,
(32) I can make it anywhere.

SONGS INCLUDED
(Lines attributed to song)

Love The Way You Lie -- Eminem ft. Rhianna
(1, 5, 15, 19, 25, 27, 28, 30)

California Girls -- Katy Perry
(2, 17)

Empire State of Mind -- Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys
(3, 13, 14, 16, 18, 31, 32)

Beautiful Girls -- Sean Kingston
(4, 22)

Best I Ever Had -- Drake
(6, 20, 21)

Imitosis -- Andrew Bird
(7, 8, 10, 11, 29)

Hit Me Baby One More Time -- Britney Spears
(9, 12, 23, 24, 26)

Aack! Finally!

I'm currently hanging around the Portland airport, so I thought I might as well post a quick update.

The comic strip Cathy, considered by many (myself included) to be the worst widely-circulated comic in the history of the world, finally ended when its writer and creater Cathy Guisewite called it quits last month.

I think this is great news. I used to read the comics every day when I was younger. I read all of them, even Cathy. It was the only strip that I never, ever, laughed at. It's like the comic strip equilvilent of the TV Show Frasier.

I'm not the only one with this opinion. Check out these anti-Cathy links.

The Huffington Post's Bill Mann reports that Cathy is battling Family Circus in a online poll for worst comic ever.

The website Guyism reveals its hilarious picks for worst Cathy strips of all time.

A Facebook group which needs more members shares its feelings about Cathy leaving the newspapers. See it here.

Care2's Robin Marty writes about Cathy in her piece entitled, "Cathy Comic Strip Ends, Readers Reminded It Still Existed".

Okay, gotta catch a plane. I'll post the Music-Found-Poem soon.

--Justin--

Don't Not Comment On This Post!

Hey guys!

So I like music. I carry a Mp3 around pretty much everywhere. No, not an iPod. My Mp3 holds 10 gigs, has a helluva battery life and has lasted for 2 years. Did I mention it cost $60? Suck it, Steve Jobs!

Anyway I was thinking about making a potentially humourous "found poem" (poem using excerpts of different works) using lyrics of different songs. Then I decided to do so.

But I need songs. PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS POST and post a random song you'd like to see in a makeshift piece of poetry with the artist that performs it. I can look up the lyrics online, but remember it needs LYRICS and I can't read anything but ENGLISH so stick with that!

Thank you! We'll see how well this works.

~~Justin~~

p.s. I added an "About Stuff" tab above. Check it out if you want to know about stuff.

Shameless Myspace Survey #2

1. Whats your middle name?

I wish it was Thundercat.

2. What are you listening to right now?

The Starting Line -- Lasting Impressions (click to listen.)

3. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?

No.

4. What was the last thing you ate?

I took a big mixing bowl of frozen blueberries and poured sugar on it, then heated it up in the microwave for four minutes. It was pretty good.

5. How is the weather right now?

I hate small talk.

6. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

This really unhelpful Iowan Landlord with either really bad reception or a strong Indian accent.

7. What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex?

Personality? Oh wait, no.

8. Do you want children?

Wow, I never knew you could buy children over the internet.

9. Do you drink?

Yeah, I like this living and breathing thing I've got going for me.

10. Favorite holiday?

Easter. I've got a huge weakness for Marshmellow Peeps. And also beating children half my age at Easter Egg hunts to get them.

11. Favorite Season?

The first season of Better Off Ted. Exhibit A! (DON'T watch if you're easily offended by vulgar language. You've been warned.)

12. Piercings?

Knock yourself out.

13. What were you doing before filling this out?

Trying to figure out how to stuff a tea mug inside a work boot without breaking it. True story.

14. Favorite Flower?

Neil Patrick Harris.

15. Have you ever loved someone?

Never! Oh wait, except my Mom and Dad. And sister. And extended family. And friends. And pets. Yeah...

16. Who would you like to see right now?

My sister.

17. Have you ever fired a gun?

Have you ever killed a man just to watch him die? Me neither.

18. Do you like to travel by plane?

Yeah, I used to want to be a pilot until I realized they get paid less than the guy who always messes up your order at Taco Bell. Seriously.

19. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?

Texas to visit my friend Nalleli. Or Switzerland.

20. Are you missing someone?

Yep.

21. Do you have a tattoo?

Tattoos are gross. Imagine all those girls with tramp stamps when they're like, 90. Do you think they're gonna be like, wow, you know I had my doubts, but turns out that having "Come Get It" written just above my rear end was a great life decision!

22. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?

I don't get up nearly early enough anymore.

23. Wallpaper on your cellphone?

My dog wearing her dinner bowl like a top hat.

24. First thing you thought of this morning?

Don't remember, but food is always a safe bet with me.

25. What do you do when the clock strikes 11:11?

I tell everyone around me it's 11:11 and they should make a wish. Then I remember that telling everyone it's 11:11 nullifies your wish. And I die a little inside.

Hillshire Farms Rant

You may have seen the following commercial before. It is very prevelant on Hulu.com, If you haven't seen it, watch it below now.



Watch it? Good. That leads me too...

100 Reasons Why This Commercial Is Stupid by Justin Rose

1. The kid would get sent to the principals office for standing on the table.

2. No lunch table at an elementary school is that diverse. Little kids are inherent racists. You know it's true.

3. A pudding cup does not hold more value in lunchtime bartering than a bag of cookies. I know this from experience. Every kid had a pudding cup. They go for like a nickel each at Walmart nowadays.

4. No little girl alive would trade a pony for a sandwich.

5. No little boy alive would trade a sandwich for a pony. He'd be teased to no end.

6. No asian kid that looks THAT shrewd would trade all of his Halloween candy for a sandwich. He'd invest it in his 401K. Or fatten up for sumo wrestling.

7. YouTube Commenter Observation (Screen name IUDFR): "Wut the hell he gonna do with a pony."

8. No little kid could eat that sandwich. It's taller than they are wide.

9. YouTube Commenter Observation (Screen name PGHAUNG1): "It is the big chinese boy that has eaten all the ham that made him bigger and cuter. His strong arms and big cheeks show why he loves the meat."

Okay that wasn't really a reason it was stupid, but I found it hilarious.

10-100. NO LITTLE GIRL WOULD TRADE A PONY FOR A SANDWICH.

Words Of Wisdom-ish

Some thoughts I had recently.

1. I don't think there's anything harder in the world than admitting to yourself that you've lost a friend.

2. I find it funny how excited people are to reinvent themselves when they move to a new place. I find it sad they can't see that they're just fine the way they are.

3. As a kid I always dreamed of being a star athlete. I know now that I'd much rather play pick-up soccer with friends on a lazy Sunday afternoon than play in a Super Bowl.

4. I'm almost 19 now. Adults ask me all the time, "What do you want to major in?" or "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I used to tell them I wanted to be a writer, or a lawyer like my Dad, because it sounded better than saying, "I don't know." But I don't think you can know what you want to be at this age, really. You haven't experienced enough.

5. I think people gossip because they don't think they can be good unless someone is worse.

6. In my experience, the people that give the best hugs are the people that only give them when they know you need one.

7. Try to be the best person you can be every day. Don't use your energy to convince people that you're a good person. People will think what they will. You got to live your life so that you're proud of yourself.

How To Survive An Bear Attack

Bears are scary. They live in the woods, have a lot of teeth, and are just generally unfriendly animals. The exception being Smokey The Bear, who is quite polite despite being a little confrontational.

Anyway, if a bear were to attack you, what would you do?

That's the question which was posed to a Montana woman the other day, as she watched her dog get mauled by a 200 pound black bear that had wandered into her yard (full story here).

So what did she do?

She threw a zucchini at it. A 12-inch zucchini, to be percise. It hit the bear on square on the head, and it fled from the scene. Neither the woman nor her dog were harmed.

This proves something about life, I'm just not sure what.

--Justin--

Must Love Dogs & Indie Rock

This music video by the band Ok Go for their song "White Knuckles" absolutely blew me away. Watch it!



Were those not the most amazingly trained dogs ever?!

A couple of cool facts:

This video was shot in my hometown of Corvallis, Oregon. It took only a couple of hours.

If you watch carefully, you'll notice there's one animal in this video that doesn't belong.

Still stumped? Check around the 2:50 mark.

~~Justin~~

Dearest Me, I've Forgotten My Tulips

Sorry for the random title reference again, I couldn't resist. Check this out if you want to know what it's about.

In other news, here's a video that will almost certainly brighten your day.

When In...Greece.

Everyone is familiar with the saying "boys will be boys". In international circles, there's a new saying that's gaining traction..."Americans will be Americans."

Aka, people from the US of A will continue to prove themselves to be really, really stupid.

We certainly didn't help our case this week. Two American tourists were recently stopped at Athens International Airport in Greece when a checkpoint official noticed they had 6 human skulls in their carry-on bags. Feel free to read that again. I know I did.

But in true American tourist spirit, these two patriots were not murderers, they were just really, really stupid. Here's the article.

"The skulls were found in a scanner check during a stop-over in Athens on their way back to the United States," said a police official who requested anonymity. "The coroner confirmed they were human skulls."

The two young tourists said they had bought the skulls in a souvenir shop on the island of Mykonos and believed they were fake, the official said, adding they had been released pending trial.

So many questions!

1. SIX?! Six skulls?! Really?! What the hell are you going to do with six skulls?

2. If you're going to be buying a bulk order of very realistic looking skulls on a creepy Greek island, wouldn't you want to make sure that, I don't know, they're NOT REAL?!

3. If you ARE going to buy yourself six realistic human skulls, why oh why would you PUT THEM ALL IN YOUR CARRY-ON LUGGAGE?!? Did you think that the person manning the bag-scanner is just going go, "Ho-de-hum...magazines, chewing gum, romance novels, six human skulls, iPods..."

4. SIX?!??!?

5. Man, the things people will do these days to get a head! (Heh)

6. Are you just going to like, put them on your coffee table at home? And then invite people over and they'll be like, "Oh, that's interesting, you have six human skulls on your coffee table, I have a few at home myself."

7. SIX?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

I Know, Right?

Gee. Em. Oh.

I've been surfing the interwebs for years now, so it's not often that I come across something that truly blows me away. Well, this did. This is a music video that was shot entirely...BACKWARDS. Hence the clever title.



"Forwards version" (aka How They Made It) video can be found here.

"Factoid" Is Fun To Say

Here's 10 facts that are very important for you to know. Why they don't teach this stuff in schools in beyond me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 1

The term rule of thumb comes from the old English law that men couldn't beat their wives with anything wider than their thumb.

Why It Matters

America! America! Down with the redcoats!

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 2

Ants never sleep.

Why It Matters

Makes all the merciless ant slaughters we participated in as children seem less demonic, somehow.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 3

American poet Edgar Allan Poe was once thrown out of West Point Academy in 1831 after showing up for inspection stark naked.

Why It Matters

You have no idea how badly I want to make a joke that includes the phrase, "Standing At Attention".

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 4

Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

Why It Matters

If you go to Harvard, you have a 50% chance of starring in a movie with Will Smith.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 5

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

Why It Matters

It's a good way to remind yourself that Jason is coming into town, and if you have any friends of high school age that like to wander off alone, now's the time to call dibs on their stuff.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 6

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Why It Matters

I don't know anyone named Mohammed.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 7

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Why It Matters

It confuses the hell out of white supremacists.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 8

Experts at Intel say that microprocessor speed will double every 18 months for at least 10 years.

Why It Matters

It doesn't.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 9

Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle.

Why It Matters

Because deep down, you've always wondered.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FACT 10

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

Why It Matters

Q: If an obese man in a forest eats a piece of celery, and nobody is around to see him eat it, and it doesn't have any calories, is he still obese?

A: Of course not.

Q: Really?

A: No.

-------------------------------------------------------------

~~JUSTIN~~

Why?

Have you ever wondered what makes us do the things we do?

A friend once told me that everything people do on this Earth is either inherently selfish or simply animal instinct. We perform community service to make ourselves feel good. We raise and nurture children because we are genetically predisposed to reproduce and pass on our genes. We romanticize these crude, base actions to make ourselves feel more cultured. Putting up a fence between us and the monkeys, if you will.

At the time, I thought he was wrong. It can't be that simple, I told myself. Insanity, to believe that us, humans, could be so...primitive. We were better than that.

Yet as time passed, my initial resentment of the idea cleared and I began to realize how insightful his theory was.

You don't need to be a scientist to realize that even as we build vast cities and land on the moon, humans are still controlled almost entirely by the savage instinct to which our primate brethren swear by. The primary means of which the adult human psyche identifies its self worth according to several studies? Financial success, followed closely by sexual appeal. To rephrase, being able to bring home the bacon and make pretty babies is absolutely how we define ourselves as "good humans". No other trait even comes close.

And selfishness? Pride? We are ego-machines, every one. Freud called it "primary narcissism". Essentially, the entire reason we are the dominant species on Planet Earth is not due to us being the biggest or the baddest, but the most self-loving. We liked ourselves so much that in our push to prove our self-worth to ourselves and our peers, we discovered fire, invented the wheel, and so on. And during that time, our fight-or-flight instincts were the best the Animal Kingdom had to offer, so we stayed alive and kept developing. And they still are. Looking for the most viciously violent creature this planet has to offer? Look no further than the nearest reflective surface. Historians estimate that approximately 95% of all known human civilizations engaged in warfare "occasionally" to "constantly".

But my friend was still wrong.

Yes, we are selfish. Yes, we are crude. But we are something else too. A third element. And while every conceivable action can be explained away as either primitive instinct or pride, this isn't a satisfying answer. It rings hollow to my ears, and I can't accept it.

Why?

Because we make music and art. Because we dance, and laugh, and seek companionship. Because we happily grow old together. Because, because, because.

Because we have faith in ourselves.

My friend hadn't accounted for faith. And that was why he was wrong.

Passion Of The...Christ This Guy Is Nuts.

The video below is perhaps the most passionate speech I have ever seen. And I know passionate speeches. I Tivo "Friday Night Lights" sometimes.

This is good. We need more passion in politics. Too many politicians seem to be just going through the motions.

So what office is this upstanding patriot running for? The Presidency? Nope. Cabinet member? Not exactly. Senator? Getting warmer. Well, not really.

Try, "Regional Treasurer of Stark County, Ohio."

Oh.



Well, at least he believes in what he is doing and went out there, put his heart into it, and won the...what's that? He lost? Oh. Never mind.

Two Ways To Get Rich On The Interweb!

I'm technically a starving college student nowadays, so money is a touchy subject with me. No worries though, my money troubles are over. Thanks, internet! You always know just what to say.

#1: Sell Your Soul!

No, not to Satan, although I heard he does offer a great benefits package. I'm talking about selling your soul on Ebay. Don't scoff, you! Souls are quite the hot commodity nowadays. A woman in Des Moines, Iowa recently bid $400 for the soul of a 20-year-old college student from Seattle, Washington. Yes, really. In the product description, the student in question, Adam Burtle, has this to say.

"Please realize, I make no warranties as to the condition of the soul. As of now, it is near mint condition, with only minor scratches,"

Unfortunately for soul-seekers everywhere, Ebay pulled the auction before a transaction could be made.

#2 Office Supplies!

First step, head down to your local Office Max and buy yourself a single paperclip. Or just steal one from your work. Then step out onto the street and ask, "Does anyone want to trade?"

That's what this man, Kyle McDonald, did. And after 14 separate trades on Craigslist, he earned himself a house. Seriously. Check out this video.



See? It's all so simple.

~~Justin~~

Yes, I Do.

This is hilarious if you're at all in the loop with online-gaming lingo. Or if you're not.

-- Justin

What Happened, Homer?

You can't tell me the Simpsons didn't use to be funny. This is better writing than Family Guy and South Park combined! Too bad they haven't had an episode this good in 10 years...

Failure Can Be Funny! #5

This is part 5 of a continuous short story, "Failure Can Be Funny". For the full story, click the tab above. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Part Five
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Fifteen minutes later, they reached the apartment complex. Robbie rattled the steel caged door which led to the foyer. It didn’t budge.

“Figures.”

“What?” Amir was out of breath from the short walk but pretending not to be.

Robbie squinted up to the fourth floor window, where Judy lived, “She has to buzz us in.”

“Like in Star Trek?”

Robbie didn’t take his gaze off the window, “Yes Amir, exactly like Star Trek.”

“ITS ME, JUDY.” He yelled at the tinted glass pane, knowing she was watching. “OPEN THE DAMN DOOR.” Several passerby turned and stared.

“I think we should have nicknames,” Amir blurted.

Robbie cast him a sideways glance. “I already have a nickname, Amir.”

“Okay fine, I think that I should have a nickname.”

Robbie screamed a few more obscenities at the window for good measure.

“Before you say anything, hear me out.” Amir had obviously been giving this some thought.

Robbie gave it some thought. “No.”

The speaker crackled, “There’s an intercom for a reason, asshole” The door buzzed open and they entered the foyer. In true college slacker fashion, Amir kicked the UP elevator button, kung-fu style.

“Oh c’mon man, nicknames are fun! They promote friendship and closeness.”

Robbie turned on him, “You’ve never had a nickname, have you?”

“No.”

“And you’ve always wanted one.”

“Guilty as charged.”

The elevator door dinged open. Robbie pressed the button marked 4th Floor. Amir pressed the rest of the buttons with a quick successions of extremely lame kung-fu kicks. Slightly out of breath and full of the devil-may-care energy all douchebags seem to possess, he grinned at Robbie, who muttered quick apologies to the other three occupants of the elevator, a trio of elderly women who quickly busied themselves with glaring at Amir.

“We live on the fifth floor.” Old Lady #1 said slowly, taking great care that each syllable conveyed her disapproval as the elevator door slid shut.

“So any ideas? I was thinking something in the Animal Kingdom. You know. Like, a bird of prey or something.” Robbie couldn’t tell if Amir was oblivious or just ignoring the Old Lady Trifecta. Knowing him, it could be either.

The elevator opened to the first floor. One of the old ladies tried to get out, and had to be held back by her friends.

“No, Doris, you live on the fifth floor, remember?”

“This IS the fifth floor!”

The door closed again. “No, it’s the first floor. Those boys just pressed all the buttons.” Old Lady #2 spared Robbie a poisonous sneer.

“Oh? Oh!” Doris got with the program and assumed her best Young-People-These-Days-Have-No-Manners glare.

Those boys? Robbie opened his mouth to protest but Amir interjected.

“What do you think of ‘Verge’”?

The elevator door slid open. Doris gathered her bags and attempted to exit again. Her friends held her back absently.

“Doris, this is the second floor.”

“I live on the second floor!”

Robbie tried his best to ignore them, but the overwhelming stench of mothballs and flowery perfume that all women over 70 seem to emanate was rapidly filling the elevator and making him lightheaded. “Verge? What are you on the verge of?”

The elevator door slid shut again, “That’s not the point. It just sounds cool.”

Robbie thought, “What do you mean there’s no point? Of course there’s a point. You can’t just pull a nickname from your ass.”

Amir frowned, “Fine. What about ‘Edge’?”

“We’re missing Jeopardy, I think.” Old Lady #2 proclaimed loudly enough to make Robbie wince, as if this was just a casual observation. She consulted her oversize gold watch, “Yes, we’re missing it alright. It’s been on for two minutes now.”

“Oh dear, I hope we don’t miss Double Jeopardy,” lamented Old Lady #1 pathetically, “I do enjoy Double Jeopardy so very much.”

The elevator door dinged open to the third floor. Old Lady #1 clamped a bony hand around Doris’ knobby wrist to keep her from escaping.

“Edge? Verge? Since when do you have a thing for thresholds?” Robbie asked.

The elevator door closed. Amir sighed patiently. “No, you don’t get it. It’s saying I have an edge to my personality. Like I’m all crazy dangerous and could snap at any moment.”

Robbie cast a critical eye over the 5’ 7” bespeckled Indian teenager in front of him, who probably weighed a buck twenty five soaking wet, tops.

“I think you should stick with ‘Verge’.”

“Oh, you like Verge now? Killer!”

Robbie groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. The Old Lady Trifecta glared on. Amir twiddled his thumbs and hummed a few bars of “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by John Mayer.

The elevator door dinged open to the fourth floor. Robbie, glad for the chance to escape the noxious Old Lady stench, stepped out into the hallway and took a deep breath.

“So just to clarify, you’re gonna call me Verge in front of Cary, yes?” Amir asked pleadingly.

“No.”

“Oh c’mon dude---”

“Young people today.” Old Lady #2 stated haughtily as the elevator door began to close. “No respect for their elders.”

Amir whirled around, “Oh go play bridge, you bitter old hags.”

Old Lady #1 and #2 pursed their wrinkly lips and flipped him the bird. Robbie blinked in surprise. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. Yes, they were still being given the one-finger salute by a pair of octogenarians.

“Hold the elevator! This is my floor!” wailed Doris as the doors slid shut.

Someone coughed behind them. Robbie turned to find Judy and Cary standing in the hallway, wearing identical slack-jacked expressions.

Robbie cleared his throat. “I can explain that.”

"Hello ladies," Amir slicked back his hair and proffered a hand, “They call me Verge.”

Good Song, Good Movie.

Hey guys,

I'll post something of substance soon. In the meantime, here's a song that I just discovered and thought it was truly exceptional. Check it out.



In other news, I saw Scott Pilgrim vs The World tonight. If you've ever played the video games:

Zelda, Pokemon, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy, Starcraft, Super Mario, Metroid, DDR, Megaman, Ninja Gaiden, etc

....Go see it. You will laugh your butt off. If you're insane like me and have played all of these games, this will be a lifechanging experience for you. It's directed by the guy who brought us Shaun of the Dead, a man so exceptional at his job that he can make my ribs hurt from laughing at a guy tying his shoe.

For the super-geeks out there, here is a full list of all the video games references in Scott Pilgrim vs The World.

~~~JUSTIN~~~

Finishing What I Started. Really!

This post is devoted solely to quickly and painlessly concluding my Top 10 Personal Heroes thread so I can do other things on the blog, because quite frankly I don't have the attention span to do these list things.
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#2 & #3 TV SHOW BUDDIES

In case you weren't aware, Troy (Donald Glover) and Abed (Danny Pudi) star on the NBC show Community. About halfway through the first season the unlikely twosome started doing these little bits as the credits rolled, essentially short movies in no way related to the plot. I couldn't even begin to describe how great they are, so you better watch for yourself.



You can only truly appreciate that rap if you took Spanish 1 in high school. If you want more from them, it almost caused me physical pain to leave out this spot-on Sesame Street impression.

My second favorite TV Show Buddy pairing is provided by Dule Hill and James Roday of USA's Psych. Great show. In this video, Roday shows off his hilarious talent at making up nicknames for his fellow detective Gus (Hill). Every single one of these is purely improv, true story.
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#1 AWESOME MUSICIANS

My music view in a nutshell: Good music is music that makes you love life and everything beautiful about it, even the bad parts. If Alternative-Folk-Opera makes you feel that way, then it's good music. Don't believe for a second otherwise. Anyway, here's music that makes me feel great. Hopefully we can find a song or two to agree upon.

1. Want a reason to like Glee? Check out Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) and Matthew Morrison going all out in a mind-blowing cover of Aerosmith's "Dream On". Bet you didn't know Doogie Howser M.D. could sing like that. For the full song in HD, click here.



2. Some more love for Glee. Why not? Here's a cover of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" with a ridiculously good mash-up of Usher's "Confessions Pt. 2" and Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" to boot.

3. I love this man--Ben Gibbard (seen to the right with his impossibly adorable wife Zooey Deschanel), lead singer of The Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie, my #1 and #2 favorite bands of all time. Got to see him in concert and I can assure you he is just as good live as he is in a studio. Here's a beautiful sampling from The Postal Service, a duet with Jenny Lewis, "Nothing Better". (Note: The music video was made by grad students at Chico State, not the band itself)

4. Three more songs for the road. First up is a surprisingly mainstream offering from MIA in "Paper Planes". Then Rage Against The Machine has a very mellow, calm, and...HAHA oh that was rich, nah they're really angry but "Testify" is a great song anyway. To wrap it up we have Sum 41 with "Pieces," my favorite song of all time, bar none. The music video rocks too. Listen to the lyrics and then watch carefully at 3:03, where the true moral of the song is revealed in perfect fashion.
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DONE! :)

Finishing What I Started, Ish

So I realized I hadn't finished my "personal heroes" thread from awhile back. I like closure, so this is happening! En garde!

To refresh your memory, here is the list we have so far. Click here for the original post (#8 - #10),and here for #7.

And without further ado, the highly anticipated countdown continues! What, you had completely forgotten about this bit? Oh, you and your sarcasm.
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#6 THE ONION

I don't know what I'd do without The Onion. I'm one of those guys that likes to have a reasonable idea of what's going on in the world. But guess what? Real news is depressing. For every story that warms my cold, bitter heart like this story about sportsmanship, there are a dozen stories about how somebody died trying to save a barnyard animal from from drowning, like this.

Enter the Onion. The Onion is a faux news organization that is devoted exclusively to making all the crap going on in the world seem a little less depressing and a lot more hilarious. The articles range from political, to viciously deadpan, to just plain bizarre. A fine example of this would be this video satirizing technological crazes. I would embed it here but it is EXTREMELY explicit (lotsa swearing) so only watch if you find that sort of thing funny. Instead here's another video that I think you'll enjoy.


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#5 DEMETRI MARTIN

Demetri Martin is far and away my favorite comedian because he, well, doesn't have to try to be funny. He just is. Basically all of his jokes are one-liners, and it works. Check him out here if you want to see more of his stand-up.


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#4 CYANIDE & HAPPINESS

I've mentioned Cyanide and Happiness about forty thousand times on this blog, so don't act all surprised, you knew it was coming. Cyanide and Happiness is a hilarious web-comic about stick figures. They're rather unabashed about how little effort they put into it, which makes it even funnier.

(click to enlarge)

















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Check back in tomorrow for numbers 1-3. Why? Because you care, that's why.

~~~Justin~~~

Best. Monologue. Ever.

Okay, you all have GOT to check this out. This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report speaking out about the recent overturn of Proposition 8 in California. It's amazing. Watch it.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
How to Ruin Same-Sex Marriages
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election Fox News

It's a little on the small size I know but for some reason it's the only size they have for embedding, so click the enlarge button on the bottom-left of the video feed (next to the volume bar) to see it better.

~~~JUSTIN~~~

Still Vloggin' Along!

Hey everybody! I have another moving picture of my face for ya. Watch it! It's not like you have anything better to do!



I'm posting all of these videos on my spanking-new YouTube account, which is is under the username JustinSaysWords and can be found here. Just fyi.

~~~Justin~~~

EUSTACE!!!

Sorry for the title, I have Courage the Cowardly Dog on the brain...
Anyway, here's a few links to amuse you until I shake my laziness and actually produce some original content. Haha! I crack me up.
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The awesome band They Might Be Giants grace us with this tribute to Courage The Cowardly Dog.
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Two members of a creative writing class from Southern Methodist University took a simple prompt and produced this hysterical result.
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A word of thanks to all the people that watched my effort at video-blogging the other day! I promise the next video will be void of awkward pauses and fluctuations in volume. I definitely will continue to do weird things though, so if that's a dealbreaker, well, sorry? :)
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The amazing people from The Onion provide this breaking news story.


Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa
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Enjoy your weekend!

~~~Justin~~~

VLOGGIN'!

And, only a week later than I promised it, here is my first ever video blog post. The subject? The top 10 movies you should see before you die. Well actually I did not anticipate how ridiculously long it takes to edit video, so you're gonna have to settle with the #9 and #10 movies you should see before you die, for now. There are a few bugs but nothing that's a dealbreaker, so suck it up and, well, enjoy!

Webcam, Perchance?

I'm going on a little vacation with the family for the next few days. If all goes according to plan, I'll have a video-blog post (or a vlog, lol?) for you guys on Monday, which will be concerning...

The Top Five Movies You Should See Before You Die That You Probably Haven't Seen Already But You Might Have!

Or TTFMYSSBYDTYPHSABYMH!

Acronyms are fun!

~~~Justin~~~

Failure Can Be Funny IV

This is the fourth part in a series of short stories. For the whole story, go to the "Failure Can Be Funny" tab below the title. Thanks!

PART FOUR
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The exam momentarily forgotten, Robbie opened the first message. It was from Judy.

JUDY:[Come by the apartment ASAP please Rob, its important.]

Robbie thought about this. She was probably screwing with him. The first time they'd spoken in six months, and she wants him to come straight to her apartment? Too good to be true. Not to mention that she was an unabashed enthusiast of screwing with people. She was even a fan of it on Facebook.

"What's up? That from Judy?" Amir was behind him, unsuccessfully craning his neck to see.

"No." Robbie said.

Pause. Their eyes met.

"Okay, yes." And then, "How did you know that?"

Amir was now attempting to wrestle the phone from his hand. "Oh, it's just this look you get on your face when you think of her."

"I don't even want to know."

"No, you probably don't. Are you going to tell me what she said or am I going to have to employ the deadly precision of eight years of advanced karate lessons on your ass?"

"I'll take the eight years of karate to go, please." Robbie said, very aware that Amir didn't know karate.


"Fine, you leave me no choice." Amir breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and began to make an uncomfortably familiar facial expression.

"Oooh, Judykins..." He moaned longingly. Maintaining this expression, he began to wander out into the hall, "Oooh, Judy my one and only! My eye-apple!"

Robbie ground his teeth. A few months prior Amir had found a certain letter from himself to Judy inside his Psychology textbook, which Amir insisted on borrowing. It contained enough embarrassing metaphors to make Emily Post blush, and Amir had memorized them all.

"Okay, okay! Cut it out."

"You are the wind beneath my slender wings! The only quarterback of my LoveTeam!"

"Fine, Amir! I'll tell you, just shut up and--!"

"YOU ARE MY DIAMOND-GLITTER SUNRISE..." Amir interjected, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Get IN here." Robbie grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged him into their dorm just as curious heads began to peek out into the hallway to see what Amir was doing this time.

"Didn't want to have to do that," Amir said, smiling, "But that didn't make it any less fun. So what's the scoop?"

Robbie sighed, "This." He showed him the text.

Amir raised his eyebrows. "She's screwing with you."

"You think?"

"Yes, I do." Amir wasn't great at recognizing sarcasm. He maintained that this was due to the language barrier, which wasn't exactly supported by the fact that he grew up in Seattle and didn't know any other languages. "So are you going over there?"

"To her apartment?"

"Why not?"

"She's screwing with me, remember?"

"I do faintly recall that, yes. But don't you want to know why? And besides, Cary might be there."

Robbie sighed patiently, "For the last time, Cary doesn't want to see you again. Ever. I believe her exact words were, 'I wish they issued restraining orders using continents as the unit of measure.'"

"She has a quirky sense of humor, that girl."

"For Christ's sake Amir, you stole her clothes."

"She wasn't wearing them!"

"You do realize that only makes it slightly less creepy, right?"

Amir rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah. So are we going or not?"

Robbie frowned, "I don't suppose I have anything else to do."

Amir mumbled something under his breath.

"Say what now?"

"Except your PoliSci exam."



Robbie blinked. He checked his cell-phone for the time.

"Can you still make it?"

Robbie thought about it.

"If I hurried, I could make it just in time to kill Professor Barnes as he locked up his classroom for the day, thus allowing me to hastily fill out an exam and place it amongst the others."

"Ah."

"Yep. Nobody would suspect a thing. The perfect academic crime."

"Wouldn't they check for fingerprints though?"

"I'd wear gloves."

"The other students would say you weren't there. The police would smell something fishy."

"These are PoliSci majors you're talking about. They would be far too lazy or hungover to give a statement. Moot point."

"What about Nigel?"

Robbie sucked in his breath. Nigel. "I forgot about Nigel."

Amir grabbed his coat and began to put it on. "You'd never cut it as an impulsive murderer, Rob. You gotta be thinking of these things. That's why you'd need my help."

"You'd help me kill Professor Barnes?"

"Me? Hell no. I'd kill Nigel."

"You would?"

"What are friends for?"

They looked at each other blankly for a few seconds.

"Are we going to Judy's now?" asked Robbie.

"Obviously. Lead the way to your diamond-glitter sunrise, Romeo."

"I hate you, Amir."

"I know," Amir said cheerfully, and closed the door behind him.
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This Isn't Going To Be A Theme

Yes, my last two posts have technically featured no less than three videos of shirtless men, but honestly I am really swamped right now. You know how your Mom used to tell you to eat your peas, because all those starving kids in Africa would just go bonkers if THEY were offered such delicious green delicacies, thus making you an ungrateful SOB? Well that's why---okay I don't think African kids would eat shirtless men, but...you know what I mean.

Anyway, this is the newest version of the Old Spice commercial I posted about previously, featuring the same actor. It's even funnier than the last. Now the question is...did they use CGI in this one? I say heck yes, but I was wrong before.

The Tickets Are Now Diamonds!

If you were watching the Super Bowl back in Feburary, you probably saw this spectacular advertisement from the guys at Old Spice. If not, watch it below immediately.



Isn't that great? Anyway, I was on YouTube the other day and I came across this awesome video, in which the two writer-producers are interviewed on a talk radio station. They reveal how exactly they made this commercial step-by-step, which I found incredibly interesting. Trust me, you'll be surprised. The video is 20 minutes long, which is ridiculous, so I'm providing a bit of a cheat sheet for you all below.

WHAT TO WATCH
4:04 - 6:46 "The Bathroom Is Now A Boat!" aka The Transition Scene
8:00 - 8:36 "And That's Why They Get Paid More." aka The Writing Process
8:49 - 10:00 "Not Our Job! We Just Hang Out." aka The Diamond Effect
10:28 - 14:33 "He's On A Freaking Horse!" aka The Finale
17:40 - 18:07 "We've Been Drinking Since Ten." aka Heartwarming Moment



In other news, I updated the [SPONSORS] page. I came back from vacation and my inbox was flooded with emails from these guys...turns out I was getting in trouble for having out-of-date advertisments...hey, maybe you guys want to know about how awesome that sale was a month ago, who am I to judge?.

While I was at it, I worked out the few bugs/grammatical errors in the [FAILURE CAN BE FUNNY] page (Thanks for the heads up, "Rujuge23"!). A new installment of that story should be up in the next two days.

~~~Justin~~~

It's All Relative-ish

Well I'm back to blogging. Hold your applause. Haha! No seriously though, I can't hear myself think. Please folks, sit down. Please--oh, alright then, have it out.

When I checked my blog analytics tracker-thingy yesterday, I was surprised to find that the majority of people who are visiting nowadays are not even from my state. So I guess I need to give you mystery people a chance to get to know me. And what better way to do that then through a chain-mail friendship survey?!?!

I went on MySpace for the first and last time of my life to find one of these surveys. The one I found it was on a page of a girl who's about twelve, so it was pretty amusing to fill out, to say the least. It was 70 questions in all, but in interest of me having a life and friends and such, I chose the best of the bunch to answer. Enjoy!

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7. COLD OR HOT?
It’s none of your business, Mrs. Perry.¹

8. TALK OR SLEEP?
I talk in my sleep. Multitask Man! Wham, pow! (His only weakness? Awkward camera angles.)

10. TOP OR BOTTOM?
I’ll take a shameless innuendo to go, please! No, hold the pickle.

11. INSIDE OR OUTSIDE?
Are you deaf? I said hold the pickle! No, not—Do I have to do this myself? It’s not hard!

12. STICKY OR GOOEY?
Sigh. I’m going to do the mature thing and stop now. At some point, it’s just too easy.²

13. IF YOU HAD TO KILL ONE, WHICH WOULD IT BE: A CLOWN OR A MIME?
I wonder if anyone has ever been faced with this scenario in real life. That would be one hell of a costume party.

14. OF YOUR FIVE SENSES, WHICH IS YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE?
I feel like any joke I could try to make here would pale in comparison to how hilarious this question is. I’m imagining a 12-year-old girl shouting this in someone’s face. Preferably a senior citizen.

18. DO YOU LIKE YOUR PHOTO BEING TAKEN?
What was that clicking noise? Where are you hiding?!

20. HAVE YOU EVER BLABBED A SECRET?
No Jimmy, I said you were “La Dopted!” It’s Spanish for “unloved!”

21. WHICH FRIEND IS MOST LIKELY TO TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
Steve, perchance?

22. WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST INTERESTING LIFE IN YOUR SOCIAL GROUP?
On the bright side Jimmy, it is pretty interesting your real parents abandoned you.

27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID SOMETHING TO INTENTIONALLY MAKE SOMEONE MAD?
I called the Spanish football player Andres Iniesta (see right) a cheating little poop-nose during the World Cup Final when he kept flopping to draw penalties, but I don’t think he heard.

30. ARE YOU A GOOD COMMUNICATOR?
My friends often ask me if what I just said were real words.

33. WHEN DO YOU CRY?
When my sports teams lose in the playoffs.³

43. WHERE DID YOUR PET GET ITS NAME?
My first dog’s name was Fluke, so when we got a puppy we were going to name it another part of a whale. Beluga, Dorsal, Baleen, all came into the discussion.
We ended up naming her Magic.
It makes sense somehow.

48. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERHERO POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
You know the Pied Piper with rats and kids? I want to be able to do that, except do it by name. i.e. Play an enchanting tune that compells all of the guys named Thad in the world head to the Philippines. Thadilippines, anyone?ᶿ

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¹ Run, Alexander!

² Like your mom.

³ And when he watched Toy Story 3.

ᶿ National Motto: “Hi, I’m Thad.” “My name’s Thad too!” “That's such a zany coincidence!” “Why are we in the Philippines again?”
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~~~Justin~~~

Hi-Ho, Silver!

Hey guys,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm taking a brief hiatus from blogging, but I will be back on Monday, July 12th with a spanking new post for ya'll. I love you. Yes, you. Especially you.

--- Justin

Get Yer Popcorn Ma, The Show's Startin'!

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I just realized that I haven't posted any videos for over a month! Which is ridiculous. Without further ado, here's some good ol' fashioned World Cup inspired clips.
That's S-O-C-C-E-R for the Americans among us.
Just kidding! I know you guys don't know what soccer is!
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This first clip comes to us fairly recently. In a match between Nigeria and South Korea, a forward named Yakubu, who plays for one of the best club teams in the world (Everton), misses a shot that my grandma could make. No seriously, she probably could.

Note: The last few seconds of the video a funny (but loud) sound starts blaring. Just didn't want anyone to be surprised. Enjoy!



This clip is from a couple years back. It shows a referee ejecting a player from a match in a particularily humourous way.



Get a load of the smirk on THAT guy!

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Failure Can Be Funny! Numero Tres

This is part three of the "Failure Can Be Funny!" short story, the entirety of which is located on the tabs bar below the page title. Thank you!

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Part Three
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When Robbie awoke seventeen hours later, he rolled over in his twin bed, looked at his clock radio, and let loose one of his most impressive strings of curses in recent memory.

“Ah, you’re awake then.” Amir was sitting on the edge of his bed with a tall boy with incredibly unremarkable features, watching with some amusement.

“Oh shut up.” Robbie was still trying to process that Amir was alive. He figured that once he had he would bawl like a baby, preferably not in front of Amir.

“Didn’t see you at the Chem final,” The other boy said with a tone of disapproval, “Had better things to do, eh?”

“Go suck it, Nigel.”

“My name is Duane.”

Duane had a British accent, so naturally Amir and Robbie had taken to calling him Nigel almost immediately. He had gained some celebrity at Brooks College over the years for being a tall, athletic black guy with a British accent that still could not get a date. This was considered somewhat of a heroic feat to his peers. Largely contributing to his lack of companionship was his astoundingly unremarkable features. It was not uncommon for him to spend several hours flirting with an girl, go to the bathroom, and have her ask him his name when he came back.

Robbie pretended to think about it, “No, I don’t think that’s right.”

“I would know a damn slight better than you, wouldn’t I, you little prick?”

Amir and Robbie laughed and said in unison, “Classic Nigel.”

Duane’s face turned as red as it could manage and he stormed out in a huff.

“Ta-ta, Nigel,” Robbie called after him. “Don’t stop for tea and crumpets along the way, you have a PoliSci exam in like, twenty minutes!”

“MY NAME IS DUANE, ASSHOLE!” Duane screamed from the end of the corridor, and slammed his door.

Amir laid back on his bed and sighed contentedly. “That guy really needs to get laid.”

“I’ll say,” Robbie said. He sat up in bed. “Oh, shit.”

“What?”

“I have a PoliSci exam in twenty minutes.”

Amir laughed, “I was wondering if you were going to figure that out eventually.”

As he dashed out the door, Robbie paused to pick up his phone.

12 MISSED CALLS, 25 NEW MESSAGES, it read.

“What the what?” Robbie murmured aloud.
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Again, thank you all endlessly for reading and commenting! This wouldn't happen without you...quite literally! Because I am a shameless attention-seeker and if nobody was reading this, I wouldn't be writing it. Hope you're having a great summer!

--- Justin

p.s. You'll notice that I added a "Sponsors" tab under the title. Check it out if you're curious who's been ripping me off for essentially free advertising! I kid, I kid! Don't sue me please. <3

Falling Awake

I think we discover the most important things about ourselves as we fall asleep at night.

Do you know what I mean? I think you do.

It's those moments when you lie in a familiar bed in a quiet house, your eyelids growing heavy, your body carefully arranged in whatever position its grown to favor over the years. It's when your eyes pointlessly adjust to the darkness and you can make out the shadowy outlines of your closet door, the lamp on your nightstand, maybe even the dolls lining the top of your bookshelf that you can't bear to throw away. It's when you close your eyes and feel that indescrible calmness descending over you, when the hectic world we live in slips away and, if just for a few seconds, you are completely alone.

And at this moment, a thought passes through your mind.

We usually forget what we think in these fleeting moments. I know I do. It frustrates me, but at the same time, I wonder if this isn't by design. Maybe its better we don't remember always. Maybe always remembering would cheapen these moments, make them bland and common. Maybe it would be frightening, to know so much about yourself. I wouldn't know.

Do you know what I thought when I fell to sleep last night? I remembered. For the first time in four months, I remembered.

We need love, but that's pretty much all we know.

I paused for a second to reflect on this.

That really sucks.

Eloquent? No. Insightful? Not particularly. But meaningful, at least to me? You bet your bonnet, homeslice.

If we as humans have a flaw, it's that we don't know who we are. We are a species of action--we build skycrapers, we make art and play music. We learned how to fly, and half a century later we walked on the moon. Yet we're clueless when it comes to us. Very rarely are we completely aware of our own desires, goals and motivations as we go about our lives. Heck, it's not only possible, but likely that another person knows us better than we know ourselves.

So as you close your eyes tonight and that pure thought flashes through your tired mind like a shooting star on a cloudless night, promise me this. Try to remember.

Who knows? You just might learn something.

Happy Birthday, Ta! Also, A Story

I know that I promised I would write an article next, but today I was mowing my lawn and thought of an idea for a story that I really loved. Word of warning--this is a large deviation from my other current story, so don't be alarmed.

No Regrets

--1--

Clayton looked fondly around at his family. He breathed deeply—the air tasted packaged and thin—and began to tell his 34-year-old daughter that he loved her.

“Annie, you—.”

His sentiment was interrupted by a cough that felt perfectly normal. He cleared his throat, smiled, and began to speak again. But he could not speak. He tried to clear his throat again. Another cough, but this one tore his chest to pieces. There was pain, but then it was gone. Clayton faintly felt a ribbon of blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth.

His last thought was of sunglasses.

There was no fade to black. There was no bright light at the end of a tunnel to go towards.

Clayton Kelly, who was born in Belle Fourche, South Dakota in 1949, sat up in a hospital bed 61 years later in Rochester, Minnesota. He was clad in nothing but a dressing gown, and the blood which had coated it moments before had vanished from the material---it was now perfectly, blindingly white. It hurt his eyes to look at. Now that he thought about it, everything was a little too bright, even though the shades had been drawn.

His room was completely empty. That was the first thing he noticed. The flowers and balloons which had littered his bedside table were gone. There wasn’t any medical equipment in any of the drawers—they were completely bare, as was the exam counter, which had been barely visible underneath the countless jars of cotton balls and boxes of latex gloves just hours before. His heart pounding, Clayton got out of bed and walked down the length of the wing, confirming what he had already suspected--every room was just as empty as his. His breaths coming in short gasps now, he half-walked half-jogged to the nurses station, the crux which seperated the East and West wings of Mayo Clinic.

It was utterly barren, as Clayton knew it would be. Only a few bleached-white counters remained.

Clayton walked back to his room, his mind racing. The hospital was abandoned--but the lights had been left ablaze. There were no people. When he stood still, it was perfectly, horribly quiet. The basic foundations of all the rooms were the same—the beds, tables, chairs, and nightstands all sitting exactly where they had before. But everything else had vanished. It was as if something had come and taken everything which had not been bolted down.

Clayton blinked. Someone, he corrected himself.

Entering his room, he was unsurprised to see that pure-white silk sheets had replaced the yellow-gray blankets which had covered him for those four, hellish months as he waited to die. Perhaps if he had not been caught up in his thoughts Clayton would have remembered that he had torn the sheets from the bed when he had gotten up to investigate, and would have found it odd that the bed was perfectly made once more upon his return. But he was, and he did not.

Not knowing what else to do, Clayton Kelly sat down heavily on his deathbed and wondered if he was alive.

New Layout

As you may have noticed (subtle I know), I changed the layout a teensy bit. So far I've gotten pretty positive reviews, so thank you to those who have taken the time to say kind things about it.

Differences beyond the obvious---I will now be opening up new pages each time I write a part of a story, which I will start to do more frequently due to the amazing reaction I've gotten. :)

I will still post the new parts of the stories on the homepage, but for the full version, simply go to the tabs bar under the big JUSTIN SAYS WORDS title, and click the story you want to read.

Thanks guys! A new article will be up tomorrow, promise.

-- Justin

LolStory Continued!

Honestly I hadn't intended on continuing to write this story, as I had no idea of where to go with it and wrote it on a whim. But people seemed to like it, so here's part two.

LolStory Pt. 2
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The phone had hidden itself quite well. Five additional minutes of searching produced no results. During this time, it had tauntingly buzzed again. The sound sent Robbie into a frenzy. Two text messages? As far as he knew, they could be from two different people! And one of them may be an attractive girl!

Robbie was a big fan of attractive girls.

Attractive girls were not a big fan of Robbie. They could not even be said to be casual supporters of Robbie. In all fairness, a vast majority of attractive girls at Robbie’s school were not aware that Robbie, was, well, alive. When he came up in conversation, they typically assumed that their friends had misspoken and were in fact conversing about the school mascot, an ancient bulldog named Moby¹. Why the bulldog was named Moby, or why the school mascot was a bulldog for that matter, is not known. This is especially confusing considering that Robbie’s school, Brooks College, had been known as the Fighting Eagles since 1947.

After ten minutes of frantic searching, the cell phone firmly remained in purgatory. At this point, Robbie’s fatigued brain exasperatedly provided him with the idea that should have occurred to him a good half hour prior—simply call his phone and locate where the rings are coming from.

Robbie spent the next ten minutes working out the logistics of how he was going to call his phone when he did not know where his phone was. He would not look back at these moments proudly.

“Hey, Amir.” He punched his sleeping roommate. “I need your phone.”

Amir was Robbie’s roommate. He wasn’t a big fan of Robbie either.

“Your mom needs my phone.” He was, however, a big fan of your mom jokes. This probably explains why nobody liked Amir. Robbie often fantasized of killing Amir and using his bed for storage.

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Sure it does. The phone’s my penis.”

Robbie considered this. “Why is your phone a penis?”

“Why not?”

He had a point. “Just give me your phone.”

“I left it at Rebecca’s.” Amir did not know anyone named Rebecca, and if he had she would not let him into her home. His phone was actually lying on his nightstand approximately 8 inches away, but Amir was not in a helpful mood.

“You don’t know anyone named Rebecca.”

“Sure I do. I met her at a party.”

“You don’t get invited to parties.”

Before Amir went back to sleep, he advised Robbie to perform a series of complicated actions involving his internal organs, characters from the cartoon Dilbert, and a box of Lucky Charms. Robbie could only assume he was speaking rhetorically.

The cell phone was underneath his mattress. He had two new text messages. And they were both from girls.

The first was from his ex-girlfriend, Judy. It read:

Rob, I’m so lonely. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve missed you so badly it hurts. You were such a great boyfriend, and you were awesome in the sack. Please tell me where I can meet you. I need to have you right now. I can’t wait any longer. Judy.

Robbie understood her pain. He had always known she would come back before long. He was that good in the sack.

Humming contently, he got dressed, applied Irish Fresh scented deodorant, brushed his teeth, impaled Amir with an emerald-crusted broadsword, and left to go satisfy the lovely Judy Wooden.

It might be pertinent to mention at this point that Robbie is dreaming.

He had fallen asleep on the floor of his dorm five minutes prior, his exhausted body, deprived of sleep for over two days, reaching the conclusion that it had had quite enough of this shit.

Reflecting upon his dream later, Robbie had to admit that it went downhill when Judy had turned into a dolphin and swam off in search of fresh mackerel.



¹One could convincingly argue that Robbie’s propensity for engaging in actions often associated with aging canines made him deserving to be mistaken for Moby in this manner.
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Okay I'm officially enjoying writing this enough that I will keep going if you guys will bear with me. Thanks for reading, hope you're having a great summer.

-- Justin