Failure Can Be Funny IV

This is the fourth part in a series of short stories. For the whole story, go to the "Failure Can Be Funny" tab below the title. Thanks!

PART FOUR
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The exam momentarily forgotten, Robbie opened the first message. It was from Judy.

JUDY:[Come by the apartment ASAP please Rob, its important.]

Robbie thought about this. She was probably screwing with him. The first time they'd spoken in six months, and she wants him to come straight to her apartment? Too good to be true. Not to mention that she was an unabashed enthusiast of screwing with people. She was even a fan of it on Facebook.

"What's up? That from Judy?" Amir was behind him, unsuccessfully craning his neck to see.

"No." Robbie said.

Pause. Their eyes met.

"Okay, yes." And then, "How did you know that?"

Amir was now attempting to wrestle the phone from his hand. "Oh, it's just this look you get on your face when you think of her."

"I don't even want to know."

"No, you probably don't. Are you going to tell me what she said or am I going to have to employ the deadly precision of eight years of advanced karate lessons on your ass?"

"I'll take the eight years of karate to go, please." Robbie said, very aware that Amir didn't know karate.


"Fine, you leave me no choice." Amir breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and began to make an uncomfortably familiar facial expression.

"Oooh, Judykins..." He moaned longingly. Maintaining this expression, he began to wander out into the hall, "Oooh, Judy my one and only! My eye-apple!"

Robbie ground his teeth. A few months prior Amir had found a certain letter from himself to Judy inside his Psychology textbook, which Amir insisted on borrowing. It contained enough embarrassing metaphors to make Emily Post blush, and Amir had memorized them all.

"Okay, okay! Cut it out."

"You are the wind beneath my slender wings! The only quarterback of my LoveTeam!"

"Fine, Amir! I'll tell you, just shut up and--!"

"YOU ARE MY DIAMOND-GLITTER SUNRISE..." Amir interjected, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Get IN here." Robbie grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged him into their dorm just as curious heads began to peek out into the hallway to see what Amir was doing this time.

"Didn't want to have to do that," Amir said, smiling, "But that didn't make it any less fun. So what's the scoop?"

Robbie sighed, "This." He showed him the text.

Amir raised his eyebrows. "She's screwing with you."

"You think?"

"Yes, I do." Amir wasn't great at recognizing sarcasm. He maintained that this was due to the language barrier, which wasn't exactly supported by the fact that he grew up in Seattle and didn't know any other languages. "So are you going over there?"

"To her apartment?"

"Why not?"

"She's screwing with me, remember?"

"I do faintly recall that, yes. But don't you want to know why? And besides, Cary might be there."

Robbie sighed patiently, "For the last time, Cary doesn't want to see you again. Ever. I believe her exact words were, 'I wish they issued restraining orders using continents as the unit of measure.'"

"She has a quirky sense of humor, that girl."

"For Christ's sake Amir, you stole her clothes."

"She wasn't wearing them!"

"You do realize that only makes it slightly less creepy, right?"

Amir rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah. So are we going or not?"

Robbie frowned, "I don't suppose I have anything else to do."

Amir mumbled something under his breath.

"Say what now?"

"Except your PoliSci exam."



Robbie blinked. He checked his cell-phone for the time.

"Can you still make it?"

Robbie thought about it.

"If I hurried, I could make it just in time to kill Professor Barnes as he locked up his classroom for the day, thus allowing me to hastily fill out an exam and place it amongst the others."

"Ah."

"Yep. Nobody would suspect a thing. The perfect academic crime."

"Wouldn't they check for fingerprints though?"

"I'd wear gloves."

"The other students would say you weren't there. The police would smell something fishy."

"These are PoliSci majors you're talking about. They would be far too lazy or hungover to give a statement. Moot point."

"What about Nigel?"

Robbie sucked in his breath. Nigel. "I forgot about Nigel."

Amir grabbed his coat and began to put it on. "You'd never cut it as an impulsive murderer, Rob. You gotta be thinking of these things. That's why you'd need my help."

"You'd help me kill Professor Barnes?"

"Me? Hell no. I'd kill Nigel."

"You would?"

"What are friends for?"

They looked at each other blankly for a few seconds.

"Are we going to Judy's now?" asked Robbie.

"Obviously. Lead the way to your diamond-glitter sunrise, Romeo."

"I hate you, Amir."

"I know," Amir said cheerfully, and closed the door behind him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------