Falling Awake

I think we discover the most important things about ourselves as we fall asleep at night.

Do you know what I mean? I think you do.

It's those moments when you lie in a familiar bed in a quiet house, your eyelids growing heavy, your body carefully arranged in whatever position its grown to favor over the years. It's when your eyes pointlessly adjust to the darkness and you can make out the shadowy outlines of your closet door, the lamp on your nightstand, maybe even the dolls lining the top of your bookshelf that you can't bear to throw away. It's when you close your eyes and feel that indescrible calmness descending over you, when the hectic world we live in slips away and, if just for a few seconds, you are completely alone.

And at this moment, a thought passes through your mind.

We usually forget what we think in these fleeting moments. I know I do. It frustrates me, but at the same time, I wonder if this isn't by design. Maybe its better we don't remember always. Maybe always remembering would cheapen these moments, make them bland and common. Maybe it would be frightening, to know so much about yourself. I wouldn't know.

Do you know what I thought when I fell to sleep last night? I remembered. For the first time in four months, I remembered.

We need love, but that's pretty much all we know.

I paused for a second to reflect on this.

That really sucks.

Eloquent? No. Insightful? Not particularly. But meaningful, at least to me? You bet your bonnet, homeslice.

If we as humans have a flaw, it's that we don't know who we are. We are a species of action--we build skycrapers, we make art and play music. We learned how to fly, and half a century later we walked on the moon. Yet we're clueless when it comes to us. Very rarely are we completely aware of our own desires, goals and motivations as we go about our lives. Heck, it's not only possible, but likely that another person knows us better than we know ourselves.

So as you close your eyes tonight and that pure thought flashes through your tired mind like a shooting star on a cloudless night, promise me this. Try to remember.

Who knows? You just might learn something.