LolStory!

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in an obscenely long time. Went through some personal stuff, but I'm good. Here's the start of a comedic short story I wrote the other day. Let me know what you think.

LolStory Pt. 1
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The cell-phone made a muffled groan as it vibrated somewhere nearby.

It was 1:24 AM. Robert Boyd, whom had slept a total of three minutes in the previous forty-eight hours, was instantly awake.

The fact that Robert, who went by “Robbie” not by personal choice but popular demand of his nostalgic childhood friends, had only slept three minutes in two days was not remarkable. It’s well documented that all teenagers instinctively acquire this skill around their 18th birthdays and exercise it often for a variety of pointless reasons.

Robbie's predicament was forseeable. On the first day of Chemistry 143, the professor grandly proclaimed that if a student got an A on the final, they would ace the class even if they hadn’t turned in a single assignment or attended a single lecture. The ease of which Robbie sidestepped the reality that professors only say this if they have very good reason to believe no ordinary student can pull it off was the subject of much admiration from his peers.

Make no mistake--Robert Boyd was no ordinary student. He was a sub-par student. Consequently, his chances for getting an A on this particular final were about as good as his chances of winning the lottery without buying a ticket.

After a thorough investigation of his and his roommate's belongings, not necessarily in that order, Robbie determined that he lacked the $3.99 required to purchase a third 24-pack of the off-brand Mountain Dew that had been instrumental in helping him maintain consciousness thus far. It was this setback that made Robbie realize at last that he would not be able to digest two semesters of advanced Chemistry in two days.

Greatly disappointed, Robbie proceeded to sprint dejectedly to the bathroom, as his bladder was doing its best impression of the kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who...oh I don't remember what happened to her. I think her name was Violet. It had something to do with blueberries. Let's have another go at it. His bladder resembled Aunt Marge from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban--Or was that Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?

For all intents and purposes, he really had to pee.

Robbie emerged from the bathroom some time later. grinning. Although still somewhat glum over spending the better part of two days studying for a final that he now wasn't planning on taking, his mood had been brightened considerably in the little boys room, where he discovered that even in his fatigued state he possessed the accuracy of a Gulf War sniper. Feeling altogether too happy about these findings, Robbie tottered off to bed. The instant head touched pillow, he descended into a state of sleep so deep that he was, scientifically speaking, in hibernation.

Yet at the sound of his phone receiving a text message, Robbie’s subconscious leapt into action. Much like a grizzly bear feeling the rising heat of an approaching forest fire and instinctively waking from its annual winter reverie to flee to safety, Robbie threw off his covers and groped around in the dark for his Nokia for a good three minutes before his brain realized he was, in fact, awake.

It is a widely held opinion in the scientific community that had Pavlov traded in his dogs for teenagers and exchanged the bells for cellular phones with texting capabilities, he would have gotten far more interesting results.

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The picture you see was not my first choice. Originally I wanted to have one of a teenage guy being really tired from pulling a few all-nighters, right? Well here's some words of wisdom for today, kids. Do not under any circumstances search the keywords "exhausted teenager", "up all night", or "cramming" into Google Images when you do not have SafeSearch enabled. I learned that the hard way.

Lolpun.

-- Justin