Girls! Girls! Girls!

Let's make a bet.

Sit down on your couch. Turn on your television. Watch any hour-long show. At some point, $100 says that there's going to be a female agonizing over the actions of a guy. Well, besides sports programs--except Monday Night Football. You didn't think there was anything between Al Micheals and John Madden? Please. You'd need a chain-saw to cut that sexual tension.

I'd double my Benjamen's with that wager. Why? Because chicks do it all the time, on television and real life. Yes, this is real life. No, you have all five fingers. Get a grip, man. (If you don't get that joke, click here)

The assumption implied by the constant whispering, over analyzing, gossiping, giggling, and general idiocy of females when discussing guys is that the object of potential affection is not engaging in such banter with his own giggily counterparts. The male object's role seems to be to sit around twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the moment in which he realizes, to quote every Romantic Comedy ever, "What He Really Wants Was Right In Front Of Him The Whole Time!" -- This is also a quote from the low-budget comedy "Dog Attempts To Lick Peanut-Butter Off Nose And Looks Ridiculous", but I have a sneaking suspicion the context is different.

Assuming that guys don't delve into such antics would make an ass out of your friend Steve! Of course we do! We just do it differently. But don't worry, we're keeping the true spirit of this complex ritual (stupidity) very much intact in the gender translation.

The next time you hear a guy say these things to another guy, here's what they really mean. Yeah, I realize Cosmo has done this like seventeen thousand times, but I think I can interject a little more high school guy realism into it.

Guy: Dude, she wants me so badly it's insane!
Translation: Dude, I want her to acknowledge me so badly it's insane!

Guy: She said that she really wanted to go out with me but her Grandma died and she has to go to Nevada for her funeral. Also, she is in a really weird place emotionally right now and although I'm a great guy, she doesn't feel like she could do right by me if she was my girlfriend.
Translation: She said no and walked away.

Guy: I am 100% sure that Beth, Amy, and Carly all are into me. Which one should I ask out? Decisions, decisions!
Translation: I am 25% sure that Beth's into me. Amy and Carly have expressed no interest whatsoever. I don't have the balls to ask any of them out. Are you impressed by my studliness yet?

Guy: She is so hot!
Translation: She is so hot!

Guy: Whatever dude, we're just friends.
Translation: The window of opportunity closed and no amount of metaphorical stones can break it open again.

Guy: What are you talking about? I think she's hot.
Translation: She makes me really happy, I have half a mind to punch you.
(What? We're not savages!)

The moral of this rambling post? I don't know. But I do know this--Girls, never underestimate how much you can screw up a guy's head. Because no matter how crass or single-motivated we may portray themselves as, the majority of us do care a lot more than you'll ever know. Just something to keep in mind.

-- Justin