Young Money, Poet Laureate

First off, I have a confession to make.

"Hello, my name is Justin. I listen to 104.7, KDUK"

Oh, don't act all surprised. The warning signs were all there. How many times do I have to hum "Replay" by IYAZ under my breath until someone realizes I need help?

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, 104.7 is a primarily mainstream pop radio station run out of Eugene, one of the four channels the crappy radio on my 1996 Toyota Sienna can pick up. It plays terrible music. And I mean absolutely awful music. But sometimes I simply cannot help myself. My murky descent into the syrupy-sweet darkness of popular music can happen anywhere, at any time--provided I'm driving my white mom-van, don't have another person in the car with me and my MP3 is recharging. I'm not addicted. I can stop anytime I want. Honest! Stop looking at me like that!

More on topic, I was listening to KDUK this morning and came across a tune which truly exemplifies the quality of popular music today. The song, "Bedrock" by Young Money, is so profound that I feel I must share its eloquent lyrics.

She Got That Good Good,
She Michael Jackson Bad,
I'm Attracted To Her, For Her Attractive Ass,
And Now We Murderers, Because We Kill Time,
I Knock Her Lights Out, And She Still Shine,
I Hate To See Her Go, But I Love To Watch Her Leave

I'm loving the opening reference. Yes, Young Money, Micheal Jackson does have a song entitled "Bad", but I'm not sure how that's relevant. From this stanza, which is solely devoted to describing a woman, the only characteristics of her that Young Money seems interested in informing his audience about is that she: a) Has an attractive posterior, b) Doesn't use her time productively, and c) Glows if punched.

But I Keep Her Running Back And Forth Like A Soccer Team,
Cold As A Winter Day,
Hot As A Summer's Eve,
Young Money Thieves,
Steal Your Love With Ease.

Mr. Money, make up your mind already. Is she good, good, or bad, bad? Is she cold, cold or hot, hot? It's almost like you don't actually have a cohesive idea of who you're describing, or that you're assuming most people won't listen to the lyrics. Haha! Oh, me and my lack of sarcasm.

I Like The Way You Walk, And If You Walking My Way,
I'm That Red Bull, Now Let's Fly Away,
Let's Buy A Place, With All Kind Of Space,
I Let You Be The Judge, N-N And I’m The Case,
I’m Gudda Gudda,
I Put Her Under,
I See Me With Her, No Stevie Wonder,
She Don't Even Wonder, Cauz She Know She Bad,
And I Got Her N*****,
Grocery Bag.

Ah, pop culture references! Red Bull gives you wiiings! Very clever. Not quite sure what it means to be "Gudda Gudda". I can only assume that Gudda Gudda is the Hindu God of Let's-Slip-In-Some-Random-Gibberish-And-See-If-Anyone-Notices. I'm not going to comment on the last two lines primarily because they speak for themselves. In other news, did you catch the Stevie Wonder plug? Haha! Yes, that's right Young Money, Stevie Wonder cannot see! Because he is blind! So when you are imagining being in a committed relationship with Mrs. Punch-N-Glow, he would not be able to do the same. Because he is visually handicapped.

Feel good about that one still? Didn't think so.

Oh Baby,
I Be Stuck To You,
Like Glue Baby,
Wanna Spend It All On You,
Baby,
My Room Is The G Spot,
Call Me Mr. Flintstone,
I Can Make Your Bed Rock Girl

Okay, a few issues. First off, Mr. Flintstone was a resident of the town of Bedrock in the classic cartoon The Flintstones. He didn't make the town. He worked at a rock quarry for Christ's sake. Secondly, when Young Money states that he does in fact want to "spend it all on you", he doesn't define what he means by this. What is he spending? It can't be time--he and his shawty murdered it earlier in a brutal double homicide. It can't be money--if you're pouring millions of dollars into research to produce a room that is, quite literally, a G Spot, I have to assume you're going to pretty damn well broke no matter how rich you were to start out with. And besides, all of his investments are tied up in bonds. Haha! Get it? Young Money? No? Screw you guys.

Have a great weekend, ya'll. And if you went to the Coast on Senior Skip Day and the po-po come sniffing around, don't get yourself a MIP. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a great graduation present, even when accepted ironically.

Peace!

-- Justin